Grand Theft Auto: London 1969 Villains

Harold Cartwright

New to town, is you? Lookin' for some kind of ungainly employment, so to speak? Want a piece of the fraction? Don't worry, my lad, we've got plenty for you to do. My name's Cartwright. Harold to me nearest and dearest, and I'm what's known as a face in this shithole. I answer to nobody, but meself, unless the Crisp Twins tell me to, that is. 'Cause in London, them Crisp Twins chew the roost. They are the biggest of the big boys. They control this manor, hook, line and sinker, and if you so much as want a Barclay's on your jack jones, you get them on the dog 'n' bone, and clear it with 'em. Otherwise, well, let's just say Archie's pigs didn't get that fat on bloody swill, did they? And Albert, well Albert's very partial to a little bit of slap 'n' tickle with your kind, and he ain't none to particular whether he tickles, or whether he slaps. Understood?

Jack Parkinson

Okey, dokey. Name's Parkinson, Jack Parkinson. I've heard a little bit about you. Apparently you're a bit of a guy, as they say stateside. Something of a player, you might say. Well, this godforsaken garbage heap, this trash can, this pair of laddered tights on the legs of some poxy slag called earth, is waitin' for someone like me to take it over, and I ain't dumb enough to think I can do it without back up. Sure, I get on alright with the Crisp Twins, keep 'em sweet. Send Albert a couple of boys and a bag of stardust and that shuts him up, and old Archie ain't spoken a word in god knows how many years. But there history. It's all about your manor and looking out for your mother with them old timers. The future's about America, and Europe. It's about business. Plain and bloody simple. And if someone gets in me way of running a smooth business, then they ain't going to last too long. 'Cause if you've got business, then you've got coin, and it ain't no great leap of faith to believe that bread equals birds. And of it all, I like birds best. But just for the moment, I'm goin' to keep the Crisp boys sweet as the proverbial. Soon or later, Albert's various, er, personal problems will get the better of him, or Archie will kill a copper. And when the balls it up, I'm taking it all over. The whole bloody bunfight.

Albert & Archie Crisp

'Ello, gorgeous! Yes, we could do with one of your kind to serve me peeled grapes in a loin cloth. Oh, you think you're a bit of a boy do you? Somethin' of a would-be and might-yet-be, eh? Well, we'll see, we'll see. I've eaten more hard men, and tough kids than you've had hot dinners, sunshine. Tough guys? I shit 'em. But if you got somethin' special to offer, then we can maybe find you somethin' to do. There's always mess to be cleaned up in this line of work, and I'm always after a decent cleaner. This ain't a nice world, bleedin' filthy if you ask me, and if you didn't ask me, I'm tellin' you. It's soddin' filthy. So you got to be tough, as well as pretty, to get by. And me and Arch' have more than got by. We rule this filthy world, from top to bottom. 'Cause we do what needs to be done. We put up with idiots like ol' Harold, and upstarts like Parkinson, just as long as they don't tread on our toes, and don't do anythin', anythin' at all, to offend me ol' dear. 'Cause if anyone irritates the Duchess, they better have a very good doctor. And soon, she might be a Duchess, proper like, 'cause me an' Arch have started to mix with royalty. Met a lovely posh nob done the boozer out Chelsea way the other week. Lucan or somthin'. I don't know. But we look after many a one like him. Members of Parliament and all. And they look after us. That's how it works here. Only they better look after us proper, like, or I'll bite their bits off. Know what I mean? I'm sure you do, don't he, Arch? 'Cause London, these days, it ain't like it use to be. It's a filthy place. Government sold us down the river since that war. I mean, we bloody won it, didn't we? And we'll win this war, 'cause there's a bit of trouble in town at the moment. Some little kid thinks he can hold Albert bloody Crisp to blackmail? I invented soddin' blackmail. Didn't I, Archie? Look, do you know where I can get me a few blues? What do you say, Arch, like the look of this one? No, I ain't sure either. 

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